magic_ligress

just

Fri, 24 Jul 2009 14:45:46 GMT

ten.
please.

end of the year

Tue, 02 Jun 2009 01:27:59 GMT

my heart aches for those who found comfort in high school and in parties they could lose themselves to. i don't know if I'll ever know that sort of ache when I leave. Most of my days of high school have been spent not even in the classroom. Hardly any of my days have been spent outside of my head. But whose fault is that? Somewhere, somehow one of the decisions I made caused my spirit to slip away. I cried on the last day of elementary and middle school. I feel nothing right now. So I'm not graduating, and maybe everything will turn away next year- I know how fast it has turned around before. Whatever, sometimes I just write to make sure that I haven't forgotten how to. I mean, I use to write a poem a day.

Anyways, congrats to all those who finished all 12 years.
especially you rach. I don't think you were made to fit in a high school anyways. Thank the Lord, right?

another day

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 14:49:20 GMT

sometimes loneliness is overbearing.

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also- when did i become wordless?

Snow Day

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 17:24:44 GMT

So I've realized that even when you find yourself looking at where you are and hating it more than where you were, the worse thing you could do is try to go back to the where you were. The only thing to do is keep fighting your way through what doesn't seem that much better than than the shit you fought through to get where you are now. Go through the motions, whatever it takes. But backtracking only promises that you'll eventually have to fight through this anyways.

the words of Dr. Combs

Thu, 08 Jan 2009 03:57:37 GMT

"it's hard to fight for someone you don't recognize."

i'm excited about next weekend with rachel and the next two months doing the play. it's nice to excited!

new years

Fri, 02 Jan 2009 04:19:51 GMT

last night we started in her home, a place where sparkling grape juice makes for toast that don't cause burning in the throat and a happy new year is simply living through it. Someone jokingly took their hair down to 'let lose', but I have a feeling if she didn't find it funny she would've found it sad, 'lose' probably seems a world away. no doubt on her way home she had it pulled tightly back again. then we left coziness and headed to a place where beer goes down like water. I felt completely welcomed there, infact I bet anyone who stepped inside would've. there were only a few us there, yet anymore might have felt wrong. then our third stop was to a complete strangers. when I walked in the door, feeling like an intruder, I was greeted by a teenage 'bopper' -as my mother would say. Her body-hugging red dress said new years all over it and I knew to her I was just another face to thicken the party and maybe even binge on the beers she claimed were in the freezer. I sipped wine after I knew it could be accepted, and I learned anything more than a sip might have left a hole in my esophagus. now it was 11:43 and I realized I didn't want my new year to begin with strangers. we rushed back home and gathered soundmakers and i held on to bubba's collar even though he tried to run away. I was offered more sparkling grape juice, but I declined it. my eyes were turned down when the ball dropped, but the screaming cued me to purse my lips so bubba could lick them- my new years kiss. i didn't feel any different, but when do you ever? afterward my lips smelt bad, but i was so tired i didn't mind. so i fell asleep an half hour later wating for rachel to come sleep beside me.

Dear God, please give me strength to make this year far unlike last.

livejournal doesn't get it

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 20:35:37 GMT

Have you ever felt like you have SO much to say and it seems important enough to stop what you're doing to explain it? But then when you go to speak you silence yourself because you know as soon as your thoughts hit the air they'll probably just be minimized and you'll feel all your self-worth disapear?

That feeling keeps me from posting much on here. Even if it's not speaking, it's close enough. That feeling keeps me from a lot of things. Maybe I'll start trying to ignore that feeling and start posting more often.

forever seems too long

Thu, 05 Jun 2008 20:04:57 GMT

i think i'm going to be waiting forever to ever get my entire life back.

i trying so hard not to be a drama queen, but it gets lonely.

yay for no school!

clown

Fri, 09 Nov 2007 03:26:55 GMT

i think i can officially stop hoping for invitations
at least my grades are becoming awesome!

tired

Mon, 29 Oct 2007 23:11:25 GMT

just waiting
that's all I'm doing anymore
waiting for the cold to go away
wither away...

too cool for school

Thu, 18 Oct 2007 16:53:11 GMT

the weather makes me fucking miserable.

i miss my best friend, i'm tired of having to fill in at a school
so nowadays I just don't.
I wish it was summer

but for some reason I feel like I'm getting a lot of work done.. constantly
and lately I've been winning my war

stupid

Mon, 08 Oct 2007 19:31:14 GMT

i'm sick
i'm sick
i'm sick
i'm sick
i'm sick

i'm too afraid to tell anyone to leave me alone except for the people who don't care
but I don't know.. most the time I can't stand any of it.

i.. i just don't have anything else to say.

oooops

Mon, 24 Sep 2007 20:28:59 GMT

there ARE good things in my life

-last saturday/sunday was great
-my will power is getting better
-i'm going to columbia this weekend for lizzy and me's birthday!
-then the next weekend is breakaway
-then ALL GET OUT and DEVIL AND THE LION

and I get a taco tomorrow and hopefully my permit

alright.. done
I just didn't want to seem too sad or anything....

Mon, 24 Sep 2007 20:24:55 GMT

i've let something so small and shallow dictate my life. I can't go an hour without thinking about it.
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
I want to be what I see in my head, and I'm so fucking sorry for everytime I've hurt someone because it's all I can think about.

I can't beat around anymore. I can't say it's all anyone's fault.
I can't let anyone feel my pain.

1. Thank you, but I'm sorry I can't be anyone but who I am. I want to be, but I can't. Thanks for standing by me.
2. I am sorry for everytime I've hurt you. You mean more than anyone to me. These few last few months have been hard for me, figuring out who is really my friend and not. And I know you have the things that drive me insane and make want to go home- but overall you love me. And I could never explain my gratitude towards you.
3. You're so beautiful, smart, and nice. What did you do to me... you bring out the selfish bitch in me. You're so innocent, you're so innocent, you're so innocent- you have to be.
4. Did I do anything to you? Or could I just not compete with the people who you've become closer to?
5. I'll be there for you. Take care of you, and make up for everything I didn't do.
6. Leave me alone, you don't know what's best for me. Let me live my life without you being hit by every decision I make.

hey, tomorrows my birthday
that makes me 15

ha ha...

Monday

Mon, 10 Sep 2007 19:48:45 GMT

I'm trying to make an effort
even if in the end it doesn't matter. I know I haven't split my time evenly or even fairly to the people who mean the most to me. But I'm going to try tonot regret it all and I'm going to try and climb up from where I am. I do not regret the time I gave to people, because I know it was time spent learning. And I know have the worse habbit of making people greater than they actually are and then being let down.
And I know that my weakness is me thinking that I deserve more than I actually do.

I will continue to speak when I feel it's okay, but I will make an effort to the people I love the most.
I will also make an effort to continue to grow from all the things I've realized in the past month or so.

So I'm sorry for all the time I didn't give you and I'm sorry for all the time I felt the need to lie to you.
anyone.

the thought

Thu, 06 Sep 2007 19:44:01 GMT

the thought of changing schools really came out of nowhere. Ever since I thought it, I can't get it out of my head.
I need to change, I need change so I can grow. I'm growing tired of everything around me, and it's making me bored. Which is overall just making me see everything bad about my life. And I seriously hate it.

1. I miss being your number one. But I know I don't deserve it. I'm sorry

The months September and October are the best. Really, just September-December.
My birthday is in less than a month!!!!!

Monday

Mon, 27 Aug 2007 20:13:44 GMT

ALL I WANT IS FOR EDWARD TO BITE BELLA!!!
if she chooses Jacob I will become depressed

school sucks, i don't see why people wanted it to come
it's making everything so lame

1. so i wonder how you feel about the boy. his ways didn't bother me, but that's only because I blocked them out. How do they make you feel?

first entry

Sat, 25 Aug 2007 04:30:45 GMT

No word in the english language better describes school than lame. I think I have heard every code stated in the agenda at least ten times. So it's really depressing- there is hardly any of my friends in ANY of my classes and my lunches are spent in the library. I actually don't mind that because I get a lot of time to read and write- because lunch is about thirty minutes long. I have gotten to see some friends, meet some new people, and prove myself as a student- which is all good. But it's so weird to see HIM in such an ordinary habbitat. When people say that there is always someone who holds on longer than the other person, I have to agree it's 100% true. And it sucks and it's awful, but it's understandable. Why shouldn't it be hard to let go of someone or something that at one time was your life? And how is it ever easy? I don't think I realized the difference between him and me until I saw how he was without me. And when I think about it, it could have been so much easier just to place myself in the hands of someone else and expect them to pull me out of the empty hole which I've fallen into. But I know now that's what makes my difference between him and me so important. I am okay alone. And I've never wanted to be able to just let go off my past so bad. To open the entrance door to my presence and let the people who want to stay- stay. But that would also require me to make sure the exit door locks behind them.
AHH I'M SO DONE WRITING ABOUT HIM. THE HIM WRITTEN IN THIS IS THE LAST TIME HE'LL EVER BE HIM!

<3 katie